You know those nights where you feel entirely more shitty than you have a right to feel? I’ve got bitterness boiling in my bloodstream that’s telling me I shouldn’t be here. It’s telling me to run, to sleep, to be at peace; yet it’s the one sucking the living peace out of me. I’m afraid of toughness, of being strong, of anger, and hateful words. I just want to be innocent, fragile, and weak, but that is what I am after all, it’s just hidden by this madness that makes me, me.

I want so badly to show up at your doorstep and feel your warmth around me and tell you that nothing is right without you around. I want to tell you how much you mean to me and I want you to feel like a warm summer’s day or a sunset exploding across the skyline and I want you to hear birds chirping and beautiful acoustic music all around you like in a sappy chick flick. I want to tell you that I love you and make everything okay again, but instead my heart just aches with thoughts of you.

Sometimes they don’t sound all pretty and poetic, strung together and edited over and over again. Sometimes they’re ugly. Sometimes they’re said in choppy sentences, or screamed and cried and blubbered like a baby until they don’t even seem to make sense anymore. And those are the words that mean the most: the words that others can hardly make out over our gasping cries. More than anything, we need someone to listen to these words, but not just anyone can get close enough to hear them.

Got me a few $20s in my pocket for the road and I guess now’s a good time to start new. I don’t have the time or money to be nice anymore. My glory days are over. My party days are dead. I missed my chance at being carefree when I took on all of this responsibility, and in the end, having fun isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I’m getting used to being thrown to the side by boys, getting ignored by people who acted so friendly to me the night before, having impossible crushes, giving up and letting someone else get what I wanted. I’m getting used to feeling like I don’t belong and not belonging in general and being judged by people I considered friends. But that’s not sad, that’s life. If I go someplace where I’m annoyed by most of the people there, just meeting that small percentage that I can stand is a beautiful thing. Just meeting one person who acts like I’m special, calls me a sweetheart and adorable and says that they love me, is all I really need. Meeting one person who’s so nice to me when I’m not in the greatest mood is such a blessing. It’s funny how someone you’ve never met before in your life can turn your day around in two minutes flat and not even know it.

I want to move forward without leaving the past behind, but it’s almost as if that’s impossible to do. Time is moving by so fast. Before you know it, I won’t be around anymore and you’ll forget I even existed. I don’t want you to forget me. I don’t want you to forget everything. I don’t want to forget everything.

All the advice that I hear tells people to let go— whether it be a person or a bad habit. They tell you you should quit, because what you’re doing isn’t healthy. And you know you should, too. But the contradicting thing is, people also tell you to go after what you want. And what if you want is bad for you? What do you do then? Should you really give up what makes you happy because someone thinks they know what’s best for you in the long run? I don’t know. The majority of the time, the people in my life know what they’re talking about, and I feel like a fool going against their word. I’m everything that’s wrong these days. But I don’t really think I want to be right.

“‘Til death do us part” my ass. You let people in, they break you, they change, and then they walk away. That’s how it always goes. I have no interest in getting married, ever. It’s getting so hard to watch the heartbreak that comes along with divorce. It’s something I never wanted to see, but I’ve been seeing it for a while now. I can’t even imagine what these people go through. It’s hardly ever a mutual decision like I always thought it was. One day, one person magically wakes up and feels differently. They throw divorce papers at your face and walk away. That person that swore they’d always love you now only talks to you through attorney letters. Back and forth letters about how they’re attempting to suck every penny out of you, pennies that aren’t rightfully theirs. They’re draining you of your energy. They’re breaking you, and they don’t even care. How can they do that? How can they fucking do that? I don’t get it. You think you know a person, and they change right before your eyes.

I’ve been spending too much time worrying about everyone else that I forgot about myself. I cared about everyone elses’ happiness above my own. And you know what? FUCK that. No one puts me first. No one. I’ve cried over it way too many times. I’ve stayed up until ungodly hours in the morning filling my head with lies, telling myself that I’m not good enough for anyone. I’ve depended on people and set myself up to be let down. Well guess what? My tears have dried, and I’m so much stronger now. And it’s not because of you, or you, or you. It’s because of myself. I’m finally coming to terms with who I am and I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I really don’t need anyone but myself. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’m comfortable with who I am. Fuck society and everything everyone has to say, because I love myself. If you don’t, leave me alone. Please just fucking leave. I’m not putting anyone above myself anymore. I’m not going out of my way anymore. If you come to me, though, I’ll be here. You can use me and abuse me and take me for all I’m worth. But it’s not going to affect me anymore. Because I don’t need someone to complete me. I only need someone to accept me completely.

you’re miserable doesn’t mean you should make everyone else miserable as well. You make my life a living hell, I hope you’re really happy with yourself. Fuck you. Fuck being 17. Fuck everything. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but it must have been something, so hey, fuck me too.

But only about CERTAIN things. Not giving a fuck about every aspect of life… Makes you a dumbass.

You smoke cigarettes? You drink constantly? You think weed is heaven sent? You’re fucking everyone in sight? You’re screwing over all of your friends? All because you “don’t give a fuck”, right? You’re kidding yourself. You’re trying to cover the pain that you still have inside of you. You’re trying to cover up the fact that SO many fucks are given. No one’s buying the “badass” image that you pretend to have, you can give it up now.

have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

Because I have.
And you know what’s sad? More times than not, people feel alone because the people in their life actually force them to be. The people who actually care about them see that living among people is killing them, and they don’t want to see them get hurt anymore. But how can you grow if you’re always running away from hurt? How can you live running away from everything and everyone? Because if you haven’t noticed, everyone’s going to hurt you. Every. Single. Person.And when you push them away, you just end up suffering alone. But how do you stop the suffering all together? How do I piece myself back together? Because I always feel so incomplete. I’m sick of feeling like there’s a huge part of me that’s missing, a huge piercing hole in my insides.

If you’ve ever been alone, you’ll know, you’ll know